Tuesday, August 30, 2005


I've been searching for something to do now that I'm down the in DC area, so when I read online that a local ComedySportz venue was auditioning for a sketch group, I thought I'd give writing a try. The group focuses on television parodies, so I'm posting my audition piece to see what everyone thinks (thanks for reading mom!)

Consumer stage left, sitting on chair watching tv.

Salesman (to audience)
Tired of hearing all the hype about satellite TV?

Consumer nods

Can it really compete with cable’s superior service, reliability and low, low cost?

Consumer shakes his head vigorously.

Salesman (growing agitated, looks at consumer)
Then maybe it’s time you stopped your damn lying!

Consumer looks confused.

Oh, don’t think we don’t already know. Don’t sit there and act stupid when inside you really love satellite TV, don’t you? You love the all-digital offerings. You love having access to 46 channels of Mexican game shows, don’t you? Is that the remote in your pocket, or are you just happy to have poor reception during rainstorms? Your kind makes me sick.

Consumer tries to leave, is pushed back into his seat.

Do you realize your father used to be a cable salesman? He fought for you to have access to quality cable television – he helped dig the trenches to expand your channel surfing options, and this is how you repay him? By throwing your money away to some foreign company who doesn’t provide entertainment the way God intended – through solid, American-made copper wire?

Consumer puts his head in his hands.

Do not cry, Mr., Johnson. I am here to offer you a solution. For $49.95 (plus installation) you can have your father’s love OnDemand. But if you want him to love you on Christmas, Thanksgiving, or your birthday, you’re going to need our “Father’s Love Premium Package.” Included are all of the major holidays, plus you can record the pride in your father’s voice and play it back later (so you never miss a minute). Can you get that kind of service from your local satellite company? No. And you know why?

Consumer stares in awe at the salesman.

Salesman (calmed)
Because they’re fucking amateurs, Mr. Johnson. That’s correct, on cable we can say curse words. We can do anything we want – no FCC guidelines. That’s the sort of service your father was proud of, and it’s just the sort of thing satellite can’t provide. Don’t believe me? Try flipping through the channels right now. Did you find any nudity? No, I didn’t think so. With cable we have entire channels devoted to that sort of thing. Pick up that phone and call right now – show your dad how much you love tits and cursing.

Consumer grabs phone and starts to dial.

Salesman (to audience, starting a slow clap)
Well done, Mr. Johnson. Well done.

Both exit.


I have no idea if I'll make it in or what -- the audition lasted almost three hours and I never actually got to read my piece out load. Hey, it still beat sitting around watching tv on a Monday night.


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