My Kingdom for a Pen!

Let's cut to the chase -- I moved out of my comfortable home in York, Pennsylvania to become a man. Not to pursue a new career, not to meet new and interesting people. But to become a man. For what is a man made of if not the responsibilities of fending for himself, hunting and gathering in the wild urban jungle?

Today I had my rite of passage. I went to the DMV.

Ah, yes, the DMV -- subject of thousands upon thousands of predictable jokes. Oh my, the line is too long. Oh my, the teller is overweight and has her period. Oh my, I memorized the eye chart because my old man eyes are too weak, and yet I am a crafty geezer with a penchant for speeding and mischief.

I am here to tell you that all of the above is true. Well, except for the geezer thing. I'm actually quite young and robust. ;)

I woke up at 7:25 AM this morning to trek in early. As it turns out, I barely found a parking space. In this new, strange adult world, the other predators are more wary, more savage, more able-to-get-their-asses-out-of-bed than I am. So, like the customer at the deli counter of hell's 6th circle, I took my ticket and parked my ass next to a family of six.

Here is where timed slowed down -- I entered a limbo-like state (not Jamaica) where my senses were dulled and every third person asked to borrow my pen.

But I had no pen. In the world of the DMV, the man with then pen is king.

My boredom grew to such an extreme that I desperately searched my pockets for a distraction -- ah! My good friend the cell phone! What games might be in store to alleviate this death sentence?

Bejewled . Freaking awesome.

So, for the first time in my frugal, frugal, existence, I clicked "Yes, I would like to purchase games through my cell phone browser." For the uninclined, this is akin to saying, yes, I would like the bend over in the prison shower!

Let's see...tetris...nah. Sexy tetris? Maybe...I'll come back. Star Wars: The Cell Phone Game. Oh, yes, this should do. Finally something to take my mind off the...wait a sec! $5.99 to purchase a Star Wars cellphone game! And it's not even lewd (like sweet, sweet, sexy tetris.)

I closed my cell phone in disgust. Slowly, the numbers and names were called. A voice rings out: Francisca! (5 women stand up). Francisca Rosetta! (3 woman still standing). Francisca Rosetta Maria! (now we're down to two...)

Francisca Rosetta Maria Francesca Rodriguez!

One ecstatic woman runs to the front of the DMV to claim her title and registration. Finally, by number is called and I head up to claim what is rightfully mine...

"Sir, do you have proof of residency in Virginia?"

Do I have proof or whowhatnow?

"Proof of residency...a W2, Y7, X56 form or letter of agreement from your leasing agent?"

I have a grocery list written on a hamburger wrapper from my roommate...

"I'm afraid the state of Virginia does not accept quarter pounder wrapping to be a suitable legal document."

Pennsylvania always seemed cool with it...

"I'm going to have to ask you to collect the following forms and step to the back of the line."

Wait...the back of the line..you mean...

And so, here I sit, typing this letter to anyone who might listen. Please, oh please send me something to ease the boredom of the back of this line. And if you have any mercy, if you have a soul, send me a pen. If I only had a pen, I would be king!