My parents kicked me out...

Got some pics in the newspaper!

2009-08-11T14:49:00.000-05:00

SWEET!

Elspeth Sweater Portrait

2009-01-03T23:13:00.001-05:00

Elspeth Sweater Portrait
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

Oh, it's been forever, but forgive me -- graduate school and all that. I'm still alive, still taking photos every now and then. This lovely model is also a big part of my free time, and from that smile I can't imagine anyone is surprised the photography has slipped off a bit. But 2009 is just beginning and I''m ready to get back out there.

Pymatuning Fishing @ Sunset

2008-08-22T21:59:00.001-05:00

Pymatuning Fishing @ Sunset
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

March (has it been so long?)

2008-03-11T09:26:00.001-05:00

leaves, please
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

Well, winter hibernation set in again, complete with shitty weather and shorter days. This past weekend celebrates the start of daylight savings, so my camera has come back up out of its hole looking for its shadow.

Taking a portrait class right now and thinking about purchasing some lights for the first time in my life. I was unimpressed at the idea of studio lighting at first, but it's starting to finally grow on me. In the meantime, however, I'll focus on on testing out my Christmas wide-angle and the infrared lens I picked up for it. WOoooo

October (final week)

2007-10-28T21:19:00.001-05:00

hungry, hungry zombies
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

Very little time to write...they're knocking at the door. Time to grab my cricket bat and get to the Winchester.

October

2007-10-07T10:02:00.001-05:00

joshua tree national park1
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

Quite an interesting series of events in order to get this shot. I was in southern California (not the trendy part -- the desert part) for a conference, and by the end of the week I was ready to run away from my lonely hotel room.

I rented a car and drove roughly 80 miles northeast to Joshua Tree National Park. I arrived just at sunset, ill-prepared for the suddenly diving temperatures. I was dressed for palm springs, and the raised elevation and cold desert night made my teeth chatter.

I jumped in and out of the car a few times while trying to keep warm as my 30 second shutter snapped photos. I stopped at roughly 6 roadside stops before seeing two wolves (coyotes, maybe?) cross the road in front of me.

With a newfound case of the heebie jeebies, I setup for a last few clicks on my makeshift tripod (the roof of my rented Kia) and focused on infinity.

This shot made the whole experience worthwhile.

Late September

2007-09-26T09:01:00.001-05:00

holga010
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

Recycling some older shots that, for some reason, I didn't feel made the cut at the time. In retrospect, my film work is so much more ethereal. Need to do more.

September rolls on

2007-09-17T23:27:00.001-05:00

keeping score
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

Defensive change #226 for the Mets

September continued

2007-09-12T11:41:00.001-05:00

Want a swing, not a check
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

I was able to break out the long lens for a bit at an Orioles game this past weekend -- nice to be able to get so close to the action. When I snapped this shot I honestly thought Varitek was looking right at me, thinking "Why is that guy taking my picture?" Well, Jason Varitek, if you were thinking that, you hid it well by staring at something much more interesting to my left and causing doubt in my heart.

September

2007-09-05T10:00:00.001-05:00

black eyed dreams and visions
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

A new technique I learned from a much more experienced photographer -- this involves taking a polaroid shot and then pushing the emulsion around on the print. I tried to get a bit dance and impressionistic with this shot. I haven't really worked in mixed media since I began seriously studying photographer, so this little test really opened my eyes a bit.

Finally, an update

2007-09-01T12:00:00.001-05:00

the frustrations
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

Yep, it's been a few weeks, but I'm still shooting -- just living up the last days of summer at the same time. Tried some I've been wanting to do for awhile with this shot -- slowly advancing the film through the holga so you double expose. Using a flash in a relatively dark place creates some interesting combinations, and I think it really works for live music.

July

2007-07-14T17:19:00.001-05:00

Great Falls Infrared
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

I've been much more spotty with updates this year -- too much going on outside of my camera to focus on. That said, I really needed a good day out with my good friend Nikon, and he didn't disappoint. Some really lovely color infrared shots to share (something new for me, I usually stick to b+w but wasn't feeling it this time).

If you're still reading this from time to time, you are amazing.

Week #16-19 (May basically)

2007-05-30T07:53:00.001-05:00

capecod2.jpg
Originally uploaded by JW Landis.

I've just returned from a beautiful week up in Cape Cod, and I'm slowly sifting through all of my photos as I slide back into the work routine. It's tough to shoot anything serious when you're with a group, but I'm kind of proud of this shot -- something unqiue about it, very unlike the rest of my portfolio.

Week 15

2007-04-29T21:16:00.001-05:00

arboretum pillars
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

A difficult week. Why do my favorite images come from the hardest times?

Week 14

2007-04-22T18:02:00.001-05:00

awakening2
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Finally, the nice weather has returned 14 weeks into the new year! I've been meaning to photograph "The Awakening," a wonderful statue installation at the end of east potomac park. It was really sunny, which made for an awesome infrared shot.

Weeks 12,13

2007-04-11T13:43:00.001-05:00

cherry blossom
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Agh! Still a bit behind on my posting, but that doesn't mean I haven't been out and about grabbing some new photos. The cherry blossoms bloomed for about a day and a half (maybe I'm exaggerating) due to the constantly changing temperatures around DC.

Week 11

2007-03-20T09:24:00.001-05:00

bemyguest
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Another shot from the Warehouse gallery (hopefully I get out to some new locations this weekend). I really, really can't wait for spring to hit -- trying to find images that capture my interest during winter is for the birds.

Weeks #8.9.10

2007-03-11T12:52:00.001-05:00

hanging for the first time
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

I fell a little behind in the last few weeks, but with good raisin! One of my photos was chosen for an art show in DC. It was a great feeling seeing my work up with other talented photogs from the city. It offered a sense of community and recognition that I think everyone needs every now and then.

There are more great shots in the photostream right now, so have a look!

Week 7

2007-02-17T19:50:00.001-05:00

ice cold refreshment
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Posting this from my wii!

I felt the need to get out of the apartment last night, so in spite of the brutal cold, I grabbed by film camera and set out to explore the icy cold tundra DC has become recently. The result was a few lonely, stark looking shots that really captured the environment of last night. I chose this shot because I felt it was the most artistic composition of the batch.

Week 6

2007-02-11T16:01:00.001-05:00

chinatown
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

I had an assignment this week to run through a roll of 3200 speed film, so it made sense to me to try some lowlight street photography. While the roll itself was a bit of a miss, I really like this shot.

Week 5

2007-02-06T21:33:00.001-05:00

gutter siding
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

I went home to do my taxes and watch the Superbowl; two completely incongruous tasks that were somehow both accomplished. This left me with a bit of a creative dilemma -- it was about 5 degrees F outside, and I had a belly full of krout dogs. Time to go abstract, said the lazy artist.

Week 4

2007-01-27T20:04:00.001-05:00

National Mall War Protest 1/27/07
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Finally, the mamiya sees some true action. Joe and I walked down to the annual (sigh) Iraq War protest on Saturday. It was, by far, the largest demonstration I have ever witnessed. Perhaps that says something more about me than the crowd.

I'm not much of a street photographer at this point, but I hope these shots capture the emotion of politics at the moment. Whether you agree or disagree with the sentiment, the presence of a like-minded crowd is hard to ignore.

Week 3

2007-01-24T00:23:00.001-05:00

multiple exposure mistake portrait
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Artsy attempt at portraiture, or mistake made by a rookie with a new camera? I'll let you decide. But here's a hint -- don't flip the multple exposure button unless you have some idea what you're doing.

Week 2

2007-01-14T10:47:00.001-05:00

botanical7
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Hit up the DC botanical gardens over the long weekend -- the orchid display is really impressive. Evidently there was a water main break close to the Smithsonian Museums -- water was rolling down the street for blocks.

Used a really large aperture for these shots -- I liked the shallow depth on the flowers.

Week 1

2007-01-07T16:46:00.001-05:00

dark side of the battlefield
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

...and we're off with a new year. Fought a nasty cough/cold/hangnail to get outside and shoot on Saturday -- I made it about three exposures before I was all tuckered out and ready for another nap.

Onwards into a new year!

Resolution Revolution

2006-12-11T15:56:00.000-05:00

underground
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Talk about tripping at the finish line! Winter hit and suddenly, BAM, there's been no inspiration lately to go out and shoot. I'm going to finish out the year with one big effort, though, to apologize to myself for a lacking December effort.

In other news, I printed a pretty decent number of my photos to sell at a craft fair at work -- the sale was met with a decent degree of success! I more than covered the expense of printing, which is amazing for my first effort. It was really encouraging.

Resolution Revolution #43

2006-11-06T09:21:00.000-05:00

On the precipice...
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Only 9 more until the year is done? Can that be right? It must be, as the leaves are changing here in Virginia and the political ads are in full shout. I made a return trip to Skyline Drive this week in an attempt to see Fall in all its beauty. Also, I have no idea who this guy is, but whatever, it's a cool shot and I needed a subject.

Resolution Revolution #42

2006-10-31T00:31:00.000-05:00

Rest easy, my pumpkins
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

He is our last defense against the pumpkin invaders, a lone scarecrow holding his crude stick finger in a jack o lantern dam. His patchwork smile belies a depth of character untested by most. Under an orange moon, he looks into the treat basket of life and says, "This trick's on me."

Resolution Revolution #41

2006-10-23T09:31:00.000-05:00

popcorncatch
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Resolution Revolution #40

2006-10-15T22:48:00.000-05:00

DSC_0007
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Bought a new flash, wanted to play around a bit. Yep.

Resolution Revolution #39

2006-10-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

Watch that last step
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Thank God for this sign. It made the world's boringest state park somewhat interesting. I get a bit of desperate for photos down in Fredericksburg, so Laurie and I drove about 40 minutes east in search of new sights. What we found was one of the dumpiest state parks ever created. We paid the $3 honor fee to park, me with visions of beautiful potomac views (as indicated on the park website). Instead we found flooded trails and gross bathrooms. Live and learn. Check out flickr for some cute shots of Laurie's roommate's dog.

A New Path, A New Season

2006-10-03T11:49:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, fall feels like the beginning of a new year. Escaping the school routine so thoroughly embedded in our collective consciousness is a difficult task, made moreso by the changing leaves and the cooling wind. There is a smell in the air; the mixture of school bus exhaust and burning leaves, the last sweep of new grass and the dying embers of charcoal.

The stretch from now until December is the longest part of the year, a testament to relativity and my ever-dramatic perception. When the world around you is filled with the expectations of the holidays and a need to squeeze every last moment of sun before winter comes, minutes turn to moments en route to memories. Like squirrels in search of sustenance, we store the good times now to keep us warm into the snowy months to follow.

Resolution Revolution #37-#38

2006-09-30T19:21:00.000-05:00

Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

I was out of commission last weekend with a bad cold, so I owe you two photos this week. Good thing it's time for the National Book Festival! I worked all of Saturday out on the National Mall and grabbed a few great shots. I rarely post work photos, but these are using a new flash I picked up and I think they should count, just this once.

Resolution Revolution #36

2006-09-17T18:34:00.000-05:00

huntley meadows diagonal sky
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Still working out the kinks of shooting infrared, but I love the sky in this shot. I think the next step is to really scout out some new places. My best shots so far have a really dominant subject in the foreground, and that's the toughest element to combine with good lighting.

Resolution Revolution #35

2006-09-11T09:17:00.000-05:00

Masonic Village Statue
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

I'm still tweaking this one to make sure I get the contrast right where I want it, but I like the mood and I think it captures the beauty of the memorial in the Masonic Village. I'm slowly learning just how important time of day is with these infrared shots -- a few hours can make all the difference in tone.

Resolution Revolution #34

2006-09-04T20:58:00.000-05:00

powerlines in the inky sky
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Long, long weekend for labor day -- I was able to spend it at home, but it was unfortunately less than restful as my thoughts kept turning to the need to bug everyone I know about this damn contest. Regardless, I didn't take as much time as I normally do to grab some shots, so I don't feel this infrared piece from my parents place is on par with the others in the set. Still, it's kind of neat to see the effect on the sky and the trees on a clear day.

Please vote for my video entry!

2006-08-31T12:46:00.000-05:00

Please vote for my video entry!
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

This is a still shot of my video for Hershey's Take 5 commercial contest. With a cool 10K as the prize, my student loans would be an afterthought.

Please check out: www.hersheys.com/take5/home.aspx, click on "WIN," and vote for mine if you think it's the best! You might have to login to vote.

Thanks!

Resolution Revolution #33

2006-08-28T08:33:00.000-05:00

Huntley Meadows Boardwalk
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

The last weekend in August -- not exactly the best time to shoot. A weekend as muggy as this past one just makes you want to find some shade and a lemonade and relax straight through labor day. But I must fulfill my promise, and so I made a quick trip to Huntley Meadows park, that old photographic mainstay, to try out some more infrared shots. I'm not quite as happy with this batch, although the vertical tree panorama I posted on flickr is kind of fun. I'll try to be more adventurous next weekend. Until then, true believers!

Resolution Revolution #32

2006-08-20T16:20:00.000-05:00

a simple landscape made complex
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

I'm not big on gimmicky photography; the use of soft or color filters always kind of turned me off. But I was recently reading about the use of infrared filters with digital slrs, and it was intriguing, especially the results. Basically, the filter blocks any light that's visible to the human eye from coming into the camera. It only allows infrared light through the lens. By putting the camera on a tripod and increasing the amount of light, you can acheive same effect as infrared film with a lot less hassle.

So I had to try this out. It was a busy weekend, running down to see Laurie, but I found some time on Sunday to get to the nearby park and take some test shots. With a little more practice on my exposures (and a less windy day -- tress moving in the wind create quite a blur over 10 second exposures), I think I can get some really beautiful (and different) shots.

Resolution Revolution #31

2006-08-13T22:59:00.000-05:00

great falls bw12
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Tried to get a bit Ansel Adams-y this weekend at a national park about 20 minutes from my apartment. Great Falls National Park, in Mclean, Virginia, to be exact. I think this is one of those images that looks much more magnificent in print form, because you can really see all of the details. Still, I'm pretty charmed by this attempt. There's a bunch more in my photostream -- you can see the various times of day I tried to use.

Resolution Revolution #30

2006-08-08T09:06:00.000-05:00

squares
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

A Wildwood weekend, filled with rememberances of old times and reliving good memories. I woke up early each morning because I didn't want to waste any of it by sleeping. Early morning on a Jersey beach is surreal -- large tractors rake the sand as lonesome metal detectors search for lost valuables amongst the bottlecaps.

This week marks one full year from when I left Pennsylvania.

Resolution Revolution #29

2006-07-31T00:24:00.000-05:00

Styx.jpg
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Went on a long walk from Arlington Cemetary to the mall on Friday night after work -- felt good to stretch my legs and bring the camera along for the ride. I aimed to grab some nighttime exposure shots, but recklessly left the shutter times up to chance and didn't have the quite the success that the digital age has granted with such ease. It was a memorable solo night, though, from the moment I sat down to eat a sandwich outside the Korean War memorial and had a butterfly land on my shoulder (to the fascination of a nearby kindergartner) to the guy at the FDR memorial who exclaimed "Delano! I always thought it was Delanor Roosevelt!"

As FDR said, "Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds."

Resolution Revolution #28

2006-07-24T22:43:00.000-05:00

what we have here
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Take a roll of black and white film, toss it in a bag, add a couple of klutzy hands and three hours later you get a scratched roll of developed film. Just as I thought I had the process down to a science, I managed to bungle the latest roll. I salvaged a few shots -- most I can fix on the computer but I fear they won't fare as well in the darkroom. But, on the bright side, I think these shots are more in the spirit of black and white light values.

Resolution Revolution #27

2006-07-17T00:11:00.000-05:00

Secret Garden
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Is it really "resolution" if I've moved back to film for a bit? I'll leave that question unanswered -- I'm too busy loading these things called "negatives." Evidently people used to use them for creating photographs. When I first heard about it, I couldn't believe my eyes! Where's the screen? Where's the instant gratification? Turns out, the best things take a little bit longer.

The image is from the George Washington Ferry Farm, home of the supposed Cherry Tree about which no fib could be told.

Resolution Revolution #26

2006-07-09T21:49:00.000-05:00

serenity
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Laurie and I took advantage of a beautiful Sunday and made a trip to Huntley Meadows Park. I visited a while back, #4 to be exact, but that was winter and I've been meaning to make it back during the summer months. The reeds had grow significantly, and a few herons were resting in the water. The best part was seeing a water snake and watching Laurie run down the boardwalk screaming.

Happy 4th

2006-07-05T19:02:00.000-05:00

dc fireworks from jefferson monument
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

A day late, a pauly shore, but here's the view Laurie and I enjoyed of the big fireworks show over the Potomac.

Resolution Revolution #25

2006-07-03T23:57:00.000-05:00

candles from the power out
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

As I mentioned in the previous post, this past weekend's power outage reduced me to candlelight and novels, a fate that would have been entirely acceptable if air conditioning could have remained as well. The pitch black environs and the reflections of a glass coffee table caught my eye, so if nothing else you can see Sunday night as I saw it -- flickers of light and the aroma of scented wax.

High Voltage!

2006-07-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

Power outages have struck my apartment complex this weekend after a bitchin' storm ripped through the 395 area. We lost power at around 6:30 pm Sunday night and it hasn't returned yet (as of 11:30 Monday morning). I got ready for work using a flashlight and prayed my clothes matched when I stepped outside.

I have some interesting shots for the revolution this week from the Air and Space Museum hangar in Chantilly -- Laurie and I spent Saturday there with plans to see Superman at the IMAX theatre in the evening. As soon as we're granted the privilege of power, I'll post.

As a sidenote -- never before have I felt so dependent on electric. I didn't even have a board game when the lights went out. To solve this dilemma, my patient guests and I picked up a deck of Phase 10 cards, a classic edition of Stratego (a personal fave) and the Pirates of the Caribbean version of LIFE, rated "ARR." I was absolutely destroyed by the skill of the other players (and by the fact that my ship was a modified bathtub), but it was a great time.

Resolution Revolution #24

2006-06-26T01:00:00.000-05:00

a girl and her sharpies
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Having a bit of trouble sleeping, so I'm updating at an odd hour. As for the picture, I thought it was very cute and I've been digging the square format lately. I was torn between this and the dino (see below). but what can you do. I spent most of tonight in my car -- 395 flooded and I sat stuck for roughly 2 hours before I could get home. The weather made the drive from Fredericksburg a religious experience -- one of those trips where you turn the christian music station on just to get some last minute brownie points.

New weird stuff

2006-06-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

I had the holga with me quite a bit recently, taking it to such extremes as Dollywood, my family reunion and a baloon launch in Pennsylvania. I love messing around with it because the images are really unpredictable, plus developing your own film is a special feeling.

Here's some recent creepy results:

Resolution Revolution #23

2006-06-18T23:54:00.000-05:00

watch them grow
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Well, here we are -- #23. I didn't really have a special shot planned for the weekend, so credit for this one goes to my mom for waking me up at 5:30 in the morning for a balloon launch at a nearby county park. Inbetween the yawning and the coffee, I snapped a tidy shot of this tulip design, imagining that the flowers were growing right out of the bottom of the frame.

I have a few more to share, plus a load of great holga stuff I still need to develop. But right now it's very late on Sunday night, and the new work week is beckoning.

New Stitching Program

2006-06-15T12:46:00.000-05:00

After the trip to the Smokys, I had a camera full of sweeping panorama shots and no real place to go with them. I'm an avid Photoshop Elements user on my Mac, but I've found the panorama software in the program a bit lacking -- while I like that it accepts large format files, the blending of the output always throws light values out of whack. You end up with a bunch of oddly blended shadows that don't exist in your original photos.

So to combat this, I invested in some new panorama stitching software called Calico. It's a dumbed down version of PTMac, which can be used to create those awesome Quicktime panoramas that you can scroll around in, like the 3d tours of famous landmarks.

Here's my first result, and I have to say, I'm really happy with it:

Another, wider example is this grab from the highest elevation of The Smokys:

The way the decaying trees, eaten away by insects, I think, dotting the landscape really makes this an interesting shot.

Long story short, I think this is a process I'd like to try and repeat around DC, or anywhere reasonable, really. Any landmarks you'd like to special request? I'll do a wide panorama for you, stitch it together, and even offer it for a reasonable price (unless you have a birthday coming up, then maybe I can do it for free).

Resolution Revolution #21 and #22

2006-06-12T11:06:00.000-05:00

Cade's Cove Girl and Cove Waterfall
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Refreshed and back from the Smoky Mountains, I'm making up for a missed week's post with a double dose. I'm overall pretty happy with how everything came out from the trip, and I had a blast as well. Check out the photos in my flickr stream to get an even better idea of how the trip went.

Resolution Revolution #20

2006-05-31T22:28:00.000-05:00

screw you too, pepe lepeu
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Spending the day at Hersheypark with a Holga opens up a lot of fantastic photo opportunities, not the least of which is standing at "Kodak" camera-friendly markers and laughing like an idiot with candy. Unlike my normal camera, I could take the little plastic thing on just about every ride, waving it in the wind as the rollercoaster gods attempted to rip it from my hands.

A Temporary Distraction

2006-05-29T21:31:00.000-05:00

The revolution's going to be a few days late this week -- I used the holga and haven't had a chance to see what developed. In the meantime, here's a selection of cell phone shots. I don't exactly think much of the quality, but maybe you'll find it's interesting to see what I've seen over the past week. Or maybe I'm just buying time. Either way, it's something new!

The Ice Cream Shop

2006-05-25T10:44:00.000-05:00

Roast beef with peppered edges, cut into thin slices on pumpernickel bread. I remember my first job by the taste of a sandwich. I was sixteen, hired for my short haircut and lack of tattoos or odd piercings. A large woman named Karen was my employer, and she paid me under-the-table, although not literally. I made deli sandwiches and swirled soft-serve ice cream.

Business was often slow -- our presence in a suburban strip mall wasn't intriguing nor obnoxious, so few found us worthy of exploration. I spent much of my time calculating how much money I'd have after paying for gas and car insurance, my only two expenditures. The rest was spent on dates with a girl from the mailbox store across the parking lot.

She was my motivation for the job, although it sounds odd to me as an adult. In retrospect, I saw her as much a companion as a competitor -- I wanted her life, not her. Suburban, scholarly and determined, she knew her path -- no questions remained. I was not as decisive. My book had no ending, and I craved the stability.

We mixed successfully, at first. A swirl cone of a relationship; my dark pessimism on one side; her light optimism on the other. But she could not support my weight, and we faded quickly under a warm summer sun.

I tried, vainly, to quickly consume the relationship before it melted around me.

A headache ensued.

I left the ice cream shop after a few months, taking a few other jobs before graduation and the changes that it brings. I look back upon it fondly, if a little weary from the experience. The money is long gone, but the taste remains.

Resolution Revolution #19

2006-05-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

Matriculated is to Graduated as...
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

A proud day for the household -- Sara has finished her undergraduate career. I snapped about a hundred shots that day, but this one stuck out -- maybe it's because I haven't taken a good look at my sister in a long time, and I just realized how grown up she looks.

Nah, I'm just jealous of the honor cords. :)

The Reason I Take Photographs

2006-05-17T15:12:00.000-05:00

I like to try and relate my current hobbies / obsessions / deformities to my childhood as often as possible -- it creates a mental link between my hazy past and my mirky future, creating a hazirky present that I find comfortable. For example, my modern day love for funny animal videos comes from a childhood love of monkeys; my love of pickles comes from my childhood love of large wooden barrels. My love for video games stems from the mixture of said monkeys and said barrels.

But when did my love of photography begin? It's fuzzy to me, because as a child my family rarely had the funds for so called "film," and often relied on slapping eachother with silly putty to create family albums. I believe this is why most of of my baby pictures feature the name "Mort Walker" written in script across the bottom.

When I was around the tender age of 6, I received a Micky Mouse camera as a reward for no longer telling my brother to imitate a plinko chip on the basement stairs. The camera was small, blue, and had Micky in classic 80s attire on the top, decked out in blue jeans, a jacket, and that chill mickey attitude. I was in love.

I had no real concept of how the thing worked as a child, but I did enjoy telling people to "say cheese" because honestly, that is one of life's little pleasures, right up there with porch swings and inside-the-bird stuffing. I don't know if any of the photos actually survived to this day, as I doubt I used it often, but one particular photo has stayed with me ...

My family went to a barbeque (I think) to partake in the staples - macaroni salad and iced tea. I packed my mickey camera, because, dammit, people were going to say cheese whether they liked it or not. I took a few shots, mostly upwards due to my diminutive 6 year old stature, and then tried to open the back of the camera to see the photos. My dad yelled to keep it closed, as the sun would ruin the pictures. "Sun? Whatever," said my still-developing brain, and I left the camera laying somewhere around the party, absentmindedly skipping off to see how many deviled eggs one kid can eat before he shits straight paprika.

When my mom and dad gathered everyone up to pile into the minivan and head home, they noticed that my blue camera was nowhere to be found. I don't remember being upset, so most likely I had just forgotten about it. They scanned the area, grabbed it from the patio, and off we went.

When the pictures were developed (most likely a long while later as I doubt Mickey pics made it to the top of the priority list), there was sun-spotted portrait of one of my dad's cousins among the accidental shutter releases, photos of my feet and shots of unenthusiastic cheese-sayers.

My mom turned to my dad. "Did Jake take this?," she asked.

"I don't know," he replied.

I took the photo in my grubby little hand and looked over it. I took the credit, of course, even though I had no memory of actually composing the shot. Most likely I was using the camera as pretend binoculars or some equally silly make-believe.

But maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny bit of talent revealed in that mickey-matic photograph, and that possibility has inspired me to continue shooting to this day. So thanks, mom and dad, for that spark, even though you probably don't even remember it. As God once said to a robot: "When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."

Resolution Revolution #18

2006-05-15T20:23:00.000-05:00

flamecloseup
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Cheating a bit here with a photo from last week -- we're deep in the middle of graduation season and I haven't had a chance to take anything new short of some practice with portrait lighting. The above photo came about when I realized I actually *have* a macro lens! It's not a true lens, rather it's an add on that came with my original kit, but still, fun times with extremely shallow depth of field. You can almost feel the heat coming off of this one.

My Own Personal Alternate Timeline

2006-05-10T13:53:00.000-05:00

A few months ago I went on a comic reading binge, either due to a mid-mid-life "crisis" or a dying need to emulate Batman's no-bullshit facial expression, the bat-grimace. My timing was excellent, as a huge-mcmega-ultra series had just begun, rewriting and erasing years of shitty characters. With the flick of pencil and some digital ink, little-known comic heroes like "The Masked Fedora" or "The Irrepressible UGG" were deleted from the fictional universe, replaced by some sort of gay-costume vacuum (which I'm told nature abhors, and I agree).

I've long-considered how my own life might be different if I could jump back in time and change the continuity, deleting embarrassing moments and creating new events. That time I was playing basketball and scored for the other team because I forgot which end the court I was on? Deleted. The time I barfed on the school bus just as we hit a bump on the road and chunks flew across 6 seats? Deleted. High School? Soooo deleted. Well, maybe just the awkward parts, so that would leave May of 1999.

But the technology implementing this sort of power has yet to be discovered. Instead we're pouring all of our funding into "alternative fuel sources" and "search engine visibility." Don't investors get it? With the ability to change the past, we'd be able to fix all those things before they became problems. They say necessity is the mother of invention ... well, what's more necessary than deleting that time I told my entire class I forgot to brush my teeth because I thought honesty was more important the oral hygiene? Nothing!

It's not that difficult to get started, either. The foundation's already been layed out for us thanks to an exceptionally forward-thinking episode of The Jetsons. In season two, episode #43, entitled "Instant Replay," George discovers the "Replayola," a device that allows him to fast forward, rewind, and altogether alter the events of the past. The episode aired somewhere inbetween 1984-85, so you're telling me that twenty years later we still don't have men working on this thing?

I'm not talking about some lame Einstein-Rosen-Podolsky bridge scenario where there are alternate Earths for every possible choice. That would be ludicrous and most likely reserved for a shoddy, get-my-hopes-up-and-then-cancel-it sci fi show on Fox. I'm talking about one definitive timeline that I could play with at my leisure. Did George Jetson fully realize the power he held? He could've gambled, he could've seen beyond the jet age. He could've traveled back and kicked Fred's ass, thereby altering cartoon hierarchies for all-time.

He could have had Jane stop_ this _ crazy _ thing.

George could have been a God, but instead, in the end he learned a valuable lesson about not losing his wife to the jock from high school. He had the power to be immortal, and he gave it all up ... for the betterment of mankind. A parable of the final days of Jesus, as told by Hanna Barbera. The question we're left with is, when things don't go as planned, What Would George Jetson Do?

In researching this story, I found that Revenge of the Nerds was released in 1984, and Back to the Future in 1985. The "Instant Replay" episode of The Jetsons aired somewhere between the two. My question is, who stole from who?

Break it down:

Jetsons = time travel, jock versus nerd love story. 1984

ROTNerds = jock versus nerd love story, occasional boob. 1984

Back to the Future = time travel, jock versus nerd love story, Huey Lewis. 1985

This is heavy.

Revolution Resolution #17

2006-05-07T19:17:00.000-05:00

skyline drive
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

This past Saturday was a day trip out to Skyline Drive, about and hour and half from Laurie's and had some of the most beautiful views I've ever seen. It was a bit hazy, but not so much that it distracted from the fun of the day.

Resolution Revolution #16

2006-05-02T09:22:00.000-05:00

airplane lights
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Sat out at Gravelly Point for a few hours watching the planes fly overhead last night -- it was a pretty unique experience. Now that I know how the operation runs, I think I can be a bit more time efficient in capturing some planes landing. I'm not incredibly excited about the composition of this shot, but the light streaks are neat. Next trip -- longer lens, drive instead of walking.

Check out some of the other recent shots here:

Claymation!

2006-04-30T23:26:00.000-05:00

The resolution revolution is a bit late this week, but enjoy this clip Laurie and I made instead:

A Short Bit of Escapism

2006-04-27T11:33:00.000-05:00

I was at my desk, reading a story about local burglaries in the news when my desk phone gave a wheezy chirp, like the last gasp of a choking canary.

"Mr. Landis?," said a voice from the phone.

"Yes?"

"Your...your dog. He's dead."

The voice clicked off.

How could this happen? My dog .. dead? The news raised so many questions, but most importantly...

I didn't have a dog!

My mind flipped through old sound bytes, trying to recognize the voice that so clearly knew my name. I wasn't positive, but it almost sounded like my elderly land lady. Maybe she confused one of the neighbor's dogs as mine?

I grabbed my jacket and rushed for the door of the office.

"Where are you going?" cried June, the "don't call me a secretary, I'm an administrative assistant" secretary.

"Big news at my apartment...evidently my dog died!"

"But you don't have a dog!," June yelled as I turned the corner.

I pushed through the door and was gone.

-----------------------------------

Halfway down the street and waving my hands frantically, I finally caught the eye of a cab driver with his off duty light glowing. He flicked a switch, started the taxi and circled around to meet me.

"Buddy," I yelled through the window. "How quickly can you get me to Rose Street, just across the water?"

"No time flat," replied the cabby. "Jump in. Say, what's the hurry?"

I flopped into the back seat and began to explain about the strange phone call I had received. The cabby tore up, pointing to pictures of his own ugly little chihuahua.

"He's such a cute puppy," said the cabby. "But after this morning, I don't know if I'll ever see him again."

"What happened?," I asked.

"Well, I was carrying him under my arm, loading up the taxi for a couple headed to the airport. I couldn't life the whole suitcase with one arm, so I sat Sylvester Junior -- that was his name -- on the top of the cab."

The cabby sniffled.

"Next thing I know, the couple's rushing me to leave and completely forget to grab Sylvester from the roof!"

"Oh no!" I cried. "What happened? Did he slide off of the roof when you drove off?"

"If only!," replied the cabby. "Sylvester Junior was so much more resourceful than that -- he knew how forgetful I could be. The little guy bit down hard on the radio antenna and held on for dear life."

I pictured a little 4 pound dog flailing in the wind of the busy city streets. Poor guy must have felt like kite in Chicago.

"So what happened next?" I asked.

"Well," said the cabby, "after a few minutes I realized the little guy wasn't sniffing for peanuts under my seat, like usual. I pulled over as fast as I could, slamming on the breaks with my boot."

"And Sylvester Junior?"

"Catapulted clear across the Bay Bridge," said the cabby woefully. "Poor guy was airborne for at least a good two minutes."

"That's awful," I said, feeling unable to console the cabby in his loss.

"I know," the cabby said, wiping his eyes with a filthy hanky. "I still never found what happened to the poor guy. I've been looking all morning and still no Sylvester Junior. I think I flung him clear out of the atmosphere. Anyways, we're here. Sorry about the sad story, pal. Here's my card -- if you see my dog, give me a call, will ya?"

"Sure. Good luck ... umm, what was your name again?," I asked.

"Sylvester," said the cabby as he smiled sadly.

"Of course," I replied. "Well, good luck, Sylvester."

The cab drove off and I stood watching for just a second, touched by the story. I turned and raced up to my landlady's door, hoping to figure out how I'd suddenly become a dog owner myself.

Knock Knock

"Mrs. Gladabee?," I called.

"Who's there?," she answered, her voice as ancient as her frame.

"It's Mr. Landis"

"Mr. Landis who?" she said, then cackled slightly.

"Umm ... I'm not sure I know the punchline to that one," I replied. I heard her shuffle over the door and open it, latch by latch.

"Ah, Mr. Landis!" She adjusted her glasses. "What are you doing here in the middle of the day?"

"Well, Mrs. Gladabee, didn't you call me? About my dead dog?"

"But you don't have a dog!," she cackled again.

This was growing a bit tiresome.

"Yes, Mrs. Gladabee, I know. You called me at work today and told me my dog was dead, but you hung up before I could figure out what happened. I thought I should rush over to make sure everything was alright."

"Oh, right! Now I recall -- I was walking past your apartment, up on the 4th floor, earlier this morning when I heard a huge crash at the window! I grabbed my keys and unlocked your door to see what had happened, and you'll never guess what I saw laying there on the floor!" Her eyes lit up like she was in her twenties all over again.

No! It couldn't be. What would the chances be of Sylvester Junior...

"Let me guess," I replied. "It was a small chihuahua?"

"A chihuahua?," she laughed. "Heavens no! It was a cat burglar! But funny you should say a chihuahua..."

"Why's that?," I replied, still shocked that my apartment had been broke into.

"Well, I was watching from the door way as the burglar started picking through all your stuff..."

"Why didn't you stop him!?"

"Now hold on," she replied, "Let me finish. So anyway, while I was watching, he realized that nothing in your apartment was really worth any money. So he started mumbling to himself about a plan to lure you home and rob you!

When I heard this was their plan, I let out a little gasp, and the burglar heard me. He grabbed me by the neck and forced me to call you on the phone about your dead dog."

"But I don't have a dog," I replied.

"Exactly!," she cackled. "I figured you'd be smart enough to call the cops about something so suspicious. Guess I was wrong on that one."

I looked down at the ground, embarrassed. "But wait, Mrs. Gladabee, if the burglar had you held up, how did you manage to get rid of them and get back down to your apartment?"

"That's the best part!," she laughed. "After I had sat the phone back down, I heard a slight whistle coming from the direction of the broken window. The burglar pushed me toward the sound, and I saw a small dot on the horizon, flying towards us at a remarkable speed."

I shook my head in disbelief.

"It was a chihuahua," she continued, "and it was angry about something. The little guy came flying through the window lightning fast and latched onto the neck of the cat burglar! The burglar tried to shake him off, but the tiny dog held on for dear life, clamping his teeth down on the burglar's ear and flying around like... well, like..."

"A kite it Chicago?," I offered.

"Exactly!," she cackled. "The two took off out the door and down the steps. I haven't seen or heard anything since."

Incredible. Little Sylvester Junior survived his flight and saved Mrs. Gladabee. I dug in my pocket for Sylvester Senior.'s card and asked the landlady for her phone.

It rang twice and Sylvester picked up.

"Hello, Sylvester?," I asked. "This is the guy from your cab just a couple of moments ago. I think I might have found Sylvester Junior!"

Sylvester Senior laughed loudly. "Didn't you hear? The police just found the little guy! Evidently he wrestled a wanted burglar down in the street and a patrol car stopped to see what was happening. Sylvester Junior's a hero!"

I congratulated Sylvester Senior and told Mrs. Gladabee the good news. exhausted from all the excitement, I climbed up to my now slightly-more-drafty apartment and relaxed.

Maybe it's time I get a dog?

A Day in the Life

2006-04-25T22:04:00.000-05:00

I recorded this past Sunday with the Holga -- trying to capture the trip back from New Jersey in all its glory, starting with the top left image.

Resolution Revolution #15

2006-04-24T08:32:00.000-05:00

Trees in a rusty reflection...
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Another busy weekend filled with rain, but on Sunday the clouds parted and the sun attempted to dry up a dreary day. This image is a reflection of the trees in my parents' backyard as seen from rainwater pooling in the seat of an old tractor. I admit it looks a bit photoshopped, but it's all natural. I just love the colors.

Resolution Revolution #14

2006-04-18T08:15:00.000-05:00

lincoln red white and blue
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Busy, busy Easter weekend has put me back a few days, but don't worry, the resolution has not been broken. If anything, it's been expanded -- I am now the proud father of a new flatbed scanner so I can post better quality shots from my Holga, the crazy looking little plastic film camera. I particularly like this shot of Lincoln, as the light leaks inherent to the Holga created some neat red/white blurs. So very patriotic! Click on the link to view my photostream -- lots of new stuff.

Frozen Lunch Review #2: Chinese Style Vegetables and White Chicken

2006-04-12T11:54:00.000-05:00

The latest in frozen foodstuffs so unsatisfying that I blow the second half of my lunch break to complain about them, Michelina's Budget Gourmet's offering of "Chinese Style Vegetables and White Chicken" is as tasty as it's unremarkable title implies.

I knew this one would be a risk. If normal Chinese food leaves you hungry again after a thirty minutes, what would happen if you shrank the portion down to the size of a frozen dinner? Not to mention the confusion inherent in "Chinese Style Vegetables." What does that even mean? The vegetables belong to a communist society experimenting with a capitalist marketplace?

With a prep time of about 4 and 1/2 minutes, the meal is about average on cook time. The sauce, somewhere between sweet and sour and refrigerator soy sauce packet from '03, at least smells decent while cooking.

The average cost of the "Budget Gourmet" line is like 99 cents, so you definitely get what you pay for. The thing I like about the meal is that it doesn't pretend to be something it's not, like those crazy microwaveable panini sandwiches. Basically, it's marketed to the cheapass who knows he won't pack a real meal in the morning and can through the afternoon on a stomach full of rice and three pieces of "white chicken" (I'm not even going to try to figure that out. White meat? White feathers? The chicken reflects all colors?)

There's no fancy dividers, no separate dessert bunker, and half way through the microwave you have to stir the rice and the goo together to form a meal. But for all its shortcomings, Michelina has charmed me with her (his? its?) price point. I am broke, Michelina, and your Chinese style vegetables and superior to my American style hunger pangs.

Resolution Revolution #13

2006-04-09T23:38:00.000-05:00

Yoda Easter Egg
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Spent the weekend down at Laurie's, and with the rainy weather it was the perfect time to dye some eggs and do some watercolor painting. She picked up the "Star Wars" egg dye kit at the store, but the ready-made decals were severly lacking. I decided to take a crayon and make my own Yoda, using the foam rubber ears provided in the kit. I think he came out pretty sharp.

If the analogy holds true, then who is the Lady of the Lake?

2006-04-04T11:32:00.000-05:00

Laurie visited the past few weekends, always a treat. We were lounging in my room watching television when I began to hear a faint whistling and felt a tickle on my nose. Laurie was invested in some program about midgets raising no-midget children, so I felt obliged to investigate the nostril nusance.

Resting upon my upper lip was the tail end of a nose hair. Imagine its length, to have reached that far! And with every exhale, the hair flew wildly, like a water noodle in a hurricane.

"Laurie!"

"What?"

"Check it out!" I exclaimed, pointing excitedly to my nose.

"What are you talking about..."

She moved closer. "Ewwww! Wait. Cool! It's huge!"

I asked her to pluck it, but keep it around so I could see it and/or make a wish. She tried to grab it with her fingernails, but no luck.

"I need tweezers, Jake."

"I don't have tweezers. Keep trying."

She couldn't grasp it firmly. "I can't get it. Why don't you have tweezers?"

"I don't know, I never need them. Try using the nail clippers."

"No!" she yelled. " I'll damage your brain!"

"How are you going to damage my brain with nail clippers?"

We continued on like this for some time until she finally managed a good grip and freed the mutant hair from my nose. My eyes watered with the pain. I asked her to let me see it.

"Umm, I lost it. It must have floated away already," she said.

"It was like half a foot long, how could it float away?"

"I don't know. Sorry."

In truth, I wasn't that upset. Since she was successful in removing the hair from my nose, I'm pretty sure she could be crowned the Queen of England, sword in the stone-style. But it was probably all for the best that the nose hair floated on, never to be seen again. It's probably the firm foundation for a bird nest somewhere this spring, and that makes me happy.

Resolution Revolution #12

2006-04-02T22:06:00.000-05:00

Intrepretive Dance at the Reflecting Pool
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Spent a couple hours with Marcus walking around DC on Saturday, admiring the cherry blossoms in full bloom along with roughly 100,000 other visitors. Outside of the Lincoln Monument, a group of interpretive dancers were displaying their talents, making for a beautiful display and a great shot. Check out the others from the day below.

Cherry Blossoms at Night

2006-03-31T21:19:00.000-05:00

Cherry Blossoms at Night
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

There cherry blossom festival is in effect, so I joined the 12,000 other photographers heading to the district to grab a few night shots. It's pretty romantic around the tidal basin right now if you're into warm spring nights and franklin delano roosevelt (and who isn't).

Resolution Revolution #11

2006-03-26T11:26:00.000-05:00

lincoln and blinkin' lights
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Picked up a new tripod this weekend, so you know what that means - long exposures, baby. Not sure I managed to pull off anything spectacular this week, but my favorite by far is this shot of a taxi turning around to pick up passengers.

Of Zords and Ladies

2006-03-22T12:49:00.000-05:00

I told Laurie this story the other day and it just about had her in tears, but I warn you -- it centers on bathroom humor and is most likely funnier in my mind than in writing. Hell, what am I saying? That's never stopped me before.

My brother, sister and I grew up spending a lot of time together, especially during the summers. We didn't live in a neighborhood, so our childish social experiments were conducted exclusively on each other. Certain traits were immediately assigned to each kid, despite how hard they might work to remove the stigma (see "The Poptart Man," issue #223, true believers).

Jesse, as the youngest, resented housework and rarely participated (not that Sara or I were very diligent). So he was, in his own way, the laziest of the three of us; the best at shirking responsibility. As the oldest, and the self-made martyr of family conflicts, this infuriated me. We would fight, and being five years his elder, I would win and he would cry.

But eventually we learned that when one cried, all lost. Dad was still working third shift back then and waking him up during sleep hours was like throwing rocks at a dozing lion, albeit one wearing fruit of the loom.

We had to wise up, so we made the battles psychological, not physical.

When Jesse refused to unload the dishwasher, Sara and I launched a new attack, bestowing him a new persona modeled after the Power Rangers (a profitable franchise at the time).

Each Power Ranger, if you'll recall, had a name, a color and a fighting robot, or "Zord." Several fictional prefixes were often attached to the Zord to make it sound powerful (and marketable), so you'd end up with the super-mega-zord transforming into the ultra-super-mega-omni-zord or some such bullshit.

So Jesse, as the lazy one, was dubbed "Earl, the Orange Ranger," as if he were the forgotten one Bandai had left on the production line. His robot, "The Recline-a-zord," was a symbol of his lazy power.

The plan took hold once Mom and Dad laughed at the name. It gave credence to the lazy claim, and suddenly Jesse was stuck. At 6 years old, the kid couldn't shake the name "Earl the Orange Ranger." So he retaliated, and gave Sara and I our own Zords as well.

But as a first-grader, his put-down creativity was limited to jokes about things being "gay" and bathroom humor. So I was dubbed "Francis, the Purple Ranger," for my affinity for other rangers and a lovely purple unitard. Sara received the unfortunate title of "Poopstick, the Brown Ranger," which despite it's lack of subtlety, makes me laugh like a hyena even to this day. Her Zord was the "Comode-o-Zord," comode being the only synonym Jesse had for toilet.

Poopstick the Brown Ranger. It's just so ridiculous you can't help but admire the creativity. We could have just called each other lazy, gay or, well, a turd, I guess.

Thankfully we've matured since then. Right Earl?

Resolution Revolution #10

2006-03-19T23:40:00.000-05:00

Bloom
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

We're about a week away from the cherry blossom festival in DC, so I'm jumping the gun a little with this holga-shot colorization. I'm thinking about pursuing this style into prints -- enlarging the black and white negatives and then painting the resulting prints.

Good idea? Ideas for a subject? Drop me a line.

She came from beyond...

2006-03-16T00:23:00.000-05:00

laurie ghost
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

I have this camera, it's called a Holga. It's plastic, cost fifteen dollars, leaks light, has no real focus, aperture or shutter speed settings. It was designed by the Chinese in 1982 so that all citizens of the republic had a camera.

It's unlike anything I've ever seen.

Et tu, Borox?

2006-03-15T09:41:00.000-05:00

I sat up in bed this morning, awoken an hour early by the sunlight dancing through my window blinds. The first few minutes of my morning ritual are always fuzzy, but subtract an hour of sleep and I arise like a zombie on ambien -- over-sedated and constantly hungry.

I slowly convinced my legs that, yes, it is imperative you get two out of bed, and then torso will follow. I could faintly hear my roommate still in the shower, so I tried to figure out what clothes I was going to wear for the day.

I opened my dresser drawer, which is always an exercise in futility. The clothes are half folded, crammed in because I have more tshirts than days of the year. There's no organization, no darks and lights, no summer and winter clothes. It is a jumble of unmatched socks and ripped boxers, stiff x-large promotional tshirts I've never worn and jeans with button flys.

In short, it is a godawful mess.

I believe that my dresser, along with the milk carton I drink from and my unmade bed, are the three sacred items in my apartment that keep Laurie from pushing towards marriage. As such, these are the three items that fuel my bachelorhood -- tomes of power that work in perfect male unity. The triforce of my testosterone.

It is crucial that I keep from cleaning up my act, because the wolves are at the door. I just checked my Netflix queue, and the last two movies rented were "Lady and the Tramp" and "Pride and Prejudice." Either I'm writing a comparative essay on socialite behavior in canines and humans, or Laurie is slowly winning the war.

I blame this lack of he-manism (real word, look it up) on my mom. She made me do my own laundry at the age of 7. I could barely reach the hot/cold knob at the time, but she threatened me with a mutilated snuggle bear until I was able to fold fitted sheets. The first time I washed dark red socks with my white undershirts, she beat me with dryer sheet boxes until I passed out in a haze of spring breeze scent.

It was a cruel life, but not completely without rewards. I became proficient at removing spaghetti stains by age 10, and by 12 I was ironing dress pants. When I left for college, I was able to pass this knowledge on to others whose mothers had (gasp) done their laundry for them.

So, today, what has gone wrong? Why doth my hamper overfloweth?

I blame the facilities at my current apartment -- we share one ancient washer and dryer with at least 16 people, possibly more. The basement that houses these malevolent maytags is covered in dirt, to the point that laundry never really leaves any cleaner than it entered.

Thus, my dirty clothes take a little shop of horrors presence in my room, constantly asking to be fed. But I warn you, laundry, beware the Tide of march.

Resolution Revolution #10

2006-03-12T20:59:00.000-05:00

self-portrait
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Date: 3/12/06
Location: Alexandria, VA
Description: 10 weeks into the resolution, time to celebrate with omething kind of funky (and kind of stupid). I worked most of the weekend down in the fred, so thought it might be nice to sum up the past ten week's worth of pictures in a little self-portrait. If you look closely, you might recognize a few of my favorites from past weeks.

The Scent of Spring, The Change of Season

2006-03-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

I usually wear a windbreaker in the mornings -- it's borrowed it from work, sewn from light breathable material and hemmed with the guilt of stolen office paraphernalia, but dang if it ain't comfy. Today, however, I had no need for it. I stepped out of my ramshackle apartment and into the embrace of the sun, seemingly for the first time since I moved down. It was an untold 70 degrees outside, a regular Pennsylvania summer. I was, and am, in heaven.

The smell of spring is delightful; a mix of grass, warmth, moisture and moss, greeny and grasping at your nostrils as the seasons change. Per the usual association of smell and memory, my mind's floodgates open, and suddenly I am transported to the baseball fields of York county.

Baseball was a regular pattern of my life as a kid, regular as the seasons and constant as the sun. I loved to play and my dad had a large role in the local league, organizing and coaching. I was too young to really understand what he did most of the time (other than stock the snack bar), but I certainly remember helping to prep the fields with home run mix and chalk.

As a sport, baseball steps into a few pitches these days, from the slow speed to the juiced jocks, but as with many other passions in life, it's the actual experience that matters, not public opinion. There are so few things that can replace the feeling of a game on beautiful spring day, and the work that goes into making it happen.

The preparation of a baseball field is akin to a fresh mowed lawn, a perfectly chlorinated pool, a rose bush trimmed to perfection. Each time you chalk the base paths, reset the rubber mound or wet the batter's box, your skills at the craft improve a tiny bit. Men in their late 70s are now renaissance masters, their instinct for the perfect mix of dirt and dust has been honed by years of the game.

As a kid, I had no talent for building a pitcher's mound. I just liked dragging the field. At professional games, around the 7th inning or so, they'll send a bunch of energetic youngsters out with large mesh screens dragging behind them, sorting out clumps (or even rocks) in the dirt. When I was helping my dad, we didn't have a team of guys to do it, so a length of chain link fence or metal mesh was tied to the back of a lawn tractor. The tractor operator, usually my dad but later on I took a few rides, would do lazy circles around the field, slowly spiraling in towards the pitchers mound. From a bird's eye view, the field would look like rows of crops, freshly tilled. A part of me was planted there, that I know for sure.

Part of me, as an adult, wishes I could do it all over again. Not to hit more home runs or to win that last game, but to simply see the game then as I see it now. I'm sure that's why my dad jumped back on the tractor, game after game, season after season.

Good game, boys, let's all go for ice cream.

Frozen Lunch Review #1: Fiesta Chicken

2006-03-07T22:13:00.000-05:00

Often in the 50 hour week I find myself trying all sorts of quickie frozen lunches, from the succulent to the suck. This new feature, appearing whenever I feel like complaining, will review the latest frozen meal that I've slapped in the microwave and gobbled down in between word documents.

Today's meal of choice is the Healthy Choice "Fiesta Chicken" lunch, available at most grocery stores for an average price of $1.50 to $2.50. The packaging advertises a "low calorie" meal that features all the flavor of the stuff fatty-fats eat. Hell, I was sold at the word fiesta. Let's boogie.

The instructions tell you to pull the plastic of the desert (an apple goo with non-goo sprinkles) and to cut a slit over the chicken and the corn bunkers.

Microwave time is around three and half minutes -- pretty average for the frozen variety. A bit longer than a hot pocket, way shorter than a Trader Joes' defrostathon. The risk of a coworker getting impatient and prematurely removing your dinner while you're flirting with the secretary is pretty low on this one.

Upon microwave beepage, the tray handles well -- hot for the meal, but not to the point you can't pick it up without the familar "ow ow ow, too hot" moment we know and love. Pulling back the plastic film, however, shows all is not fun in fiesta country.

The corn and chicken divits contain excess moisture from the thaw out, and it pools around the food. This just about ruins the corn, turning it into a mushy paste suitable for health concious octogenarians. The chicken survives, but barely.

As for the "fiesta" flavor, it reminds one of watered-down ketchup. Not exactly the bold kick of southwest my tastebuds hankered for during the purchase.

The saving grace, as almost is always the case with frozen meals, is the gooey dessert. It vaguely looks like apples, smells like apples and tastes like apples slimed by a cinnamon ghost. Not entirely unpleasant, and the closest thing to a fiesta this meal has produced.

In summation, "Fiesta Chicken" is far from a fiesta and more foul than chicken. The apples are a decent last minute save, but in the end, you're better off staying above the border.

All is Fare

2006-03-07T10:55:00.000-05:00

A couple of weekends ago I made a trip down to the National Cathedral to take photos -- an incredible place, and a bit of a walk from the closest metro. I'm young and stupid, though, so on the outgoing trip I figured we don't need no stinking buses and walked the distance.

It was about a mile and a half, but I was running late, so in my mind it was a pilgrimage. Plus, how could I possibly get lost?

"Excuse me, sir, which way to the National Cathedral?"

"You see that huge building down the street, towering above everything else, covered in gargoyles and stained glass?"

"Yes sir."

"Ask them."

So I arrived relatively easily, but after a couple of hours of setting up my tripod and tearing it down again, the prospect of walking back uphill to the metro, umm, sucked. So I plopped down at the nearby bus stop and asked an elderly woman how the fare system works.

See, I never take the bus. Not because of any sort of social stigma, I just don't want to take the time to learn how it works. Looking at a bus schedule is like playing sodoku for me -- after a couple of minutes I just wing it and end up ruining the puzzle and arriving two states away from my destination.

The kind woman explained to me that I should've picked up a bus transfer from the metro station (idiot) and that it's good for like two hours (idiot) and I should have a smartrip card (idiot) and of course there's a dollar slot on the bus (idiot). I finally had the info I needed, but you can only take so much emotional abuse from an old lady before you put her under the wheels of the bus.

So I never ended up using the transit system -- the police picked me up for endangering an old woman (transfer that, bus lady) and for theft of a smatrip card (she wasn't going to need it), so after the booking station I got a free ride home. Jokes on you, coppers...I just saved $1.25.

Getting Artsy

2006-03-06T10:43:00.000-05:00

Leaves.jpg
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

These were actually a combined effort -- Laurie got her hands on my holga (that doesn't sound right...) and snapped some of her first medium format shots. I developed the negatives at her house later in the weekend and scratched the hell out of them, giving them a (totally intentional...) gothic quality. Like a kid playing hide and seek under the sink, it was easy, fun, and I got to play with chemicals.

Resolution Revolution #9

2006-03-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

Natural Habitat
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Date: 3/5/06
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Description: Made it back up to PA briefly to visit Laurie's family, so I tried to put together a couple images using the new surroundings. Most of this week's crop came from the abandoned steel works, but the above faux duck is just hard to resist. I found the little guy laying in the dirt, but there was still plenty of life left in him. While I'm sure he'll be afloat in no time, I can't say the same for his surroundings.

Braddock Metro Miniature

2006-03-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

Braddock Metro Miniature
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

I was goofing with an old picture tonight, trying to use a photoshop trick to make it seem like a model of the actual scene. It's not anywhere close to the level achieved by others I've seen, but I thought it was neat enough to warrant posting. Think of it as a picture of a model train, except stolen from real life. Here's a link to the original picture I took.

And just for shits and giggles, I am among the top google searches for "poptart man." Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Rejected!

2006-02-28T17:33:00.000-05:00

So I host my photos on Flickr, a photo sharing site that's supposedly all the rage. It's easy and convenient. Well, I thought I'd have some fun and add one of my recent photos to the "deleteme" group -- they take turns commenting on a photo, pointing out the flaws and so on until ten people deem in "deleted" and it's removed.

All good and fun, but the comments on mine have been terrible. No real commentary, instead they just tell me it sucks and I suck and the world sucks and then tag me with "delete."

Well, I never intended to be the world's best photographer, but with comments like these, a guy could lose some confidence. So I'm going to curl up in the safe confines of my blog, where no one comments, and hide until spring time.

Here's a link to the horrors: http://www.flickr.com/photos/speedydelivery/105076459/

Resolution Revolution #8

2006-02-26T23:52:00.000-05:00

Stained Glass Study #3
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Date: 2/26/06
Location: National Cathedral, DC
Description: Photo fieldtrip to the cathedral, truly beautiful on the inside and out. I captured these stained glass images using my tripod and a remote shutter release to eliminate any camera shake (as opposed to Master Shake). I discovered that I need a new tripod. Also learned a little about how to use the bus system because it was freezing outside and finding sanctuary was foremost on my mind. The Lord, and the transit system, work in mysterious ways.

An early birthday present for my brother...

2006-02-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

So, 12 years ago Jesse and I bought Super Punch Out!!! (probably with his birthday money) and became obsessed. I loved the game, learning how to beat it without taking a punch and getting the best times. But there were a few fighters I could never beat faster than my brother -- Bear hugger was the most notorious. Well, last week, 12 years later, I finally did it. I beat his record. And I recorded it as well. To prove it's authenticity, I included the scoreboard at the end of the clip. "Owned" is Jesse's previous name in the game.

(Maybe you can beat my time in another 12 years, Jesse).

If no one hears this joke, does a tree still fall?

2006-02-23T15:05:00.000-05:00

Over lunch, a friend from work was talking about trying to make it over to the National History Museum's exhibit on polio. But she complained that it was difficult to find the time.

I agreed, mentioning that the hardest part of seeing a polio exhibit is actually getting up and walking there.

Try the veal.

Telling the Tooth -or- Back in Plaque

2006-02-21T11:58:00.000-05:00

After all the photos are loaded and the random observations are noted, it's time to get back to the theme of this self-serving cyber scroll -- my stumbling, bumbling, humbling journey into adult life.

After college I put off going to the dentist -- half out of not reading my insurance plan and half out of laziness -- who likes going to the dentist? I know this was a foolish mistake, but I figured, hey, I take decent care of my teeth and I stopped opening beer bottles with my molars years ago, so no big deal.

Well, since moving down to VA and getting situated, I figured I should make up for a year's worth of dental neglect and make an appointment in the area. I asked around at work and found a nice little office (and by nice I mean they accept my insurance). It was a cozy little place -- lots of pictures of the dentist's family and fishing memorabilia. I plopped down in the chair yesterday and awaited the verdict.

The dentist -- a nice guy it seemed -- stared into my gaping maw and let out a shriek. Remember that scene in Raiders were the Nazi scientist melts? That was the facial expression this guy gave me. I was like, what?

He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Son, you have plaque."

He delivered the news as if my grandmother had passed or something. I was like, yeah, I got mad plaque, so get rid of it. And he did, working the pick and mirror like a seasoned pro.

But after he was finished scraping, he stepped on the lever to reposition my seat and then removed his glove. I was about to tell him how nice his daughter looked in the family pictures when he slapped me across the face.

I was like "What the hell?"

He looked me dead in the eye over those crazy-ass microscope glasses and said, "Your gums are not healthy enough."

I was shocked. "Look, dentist," I said, "I know I don't floss everyday, but..."

He friggin' slapped me again. Windup and everything. "Look, big guy," he said in an altruistic tone, "you have take better care of your teeth. I want to see you back here in four weeks to make sure the cleaning was sufficient. So brush twice a day and floss, or else I will slap your bitch ass so hard you'll think orthodontics are the same as periodontics."

On the way out he made me sign up for another visit and then handed me some free coupons for Tartar Control Crest. Then he smiled and pointed to the door. His voice said, "Thanks for your time, Jake," but his eyes said "Every six months you son of a bitch."

I rubbed my aching cheek -- the gums hurt on the inside and the handprint hurt the outside. On my way home I picked up some listerine and a sonicare.

That'll be the last time I get the spit beat out of me.

Dirty Dog Behind a Dirty Window

2006-02-20T18:54:00.000-05:00

Dirty Dog Behind a Dirty Window
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Date: 2/20/06
Location: York, Pennsylvania
Description: Busy holiday weekend combined with a cold snap equals few opportunities to take shots, so I thought I'd challenge myself on Monday trying to make this beast look decent. Framed behind a window coated in dog spittle, she looks right at home. She probably thinks I'm going to give her a treat. She is mistaken.

Snow, Coffee, Corduroy and Tungsten

2006-02-14T23:02:00.000-05:00

I was accused this week of writing only about the past, using my family as a springboard to retell the embarrassing stories of my adolescence. I was like, duh. Summoning the awesome powers of hindsight allows me to shape each story to my own faulty memory, and suddenly my sister's SAT scores become my SAT scores and that time my brother pissed off the front porch becomes, well, tell you what, I'll let him keep that memory.

But to slay they who nay say, I'll write a ditty about current days and, with a little luck and a couple of drinks, you'll even find it interesting.

The portrait pictures I posted the other day were the result of ongoing negotiations with Laurie -- she's honestly the prettiest person who will voluntarily enter my studio/bedroom/sleep hole, so I needed her full cooperation. In exchange for posing, she received a showcase showdown of Valentine's prizes, including, but not limited to:

[Ghost of Rod Roddy enters]

A fantastic trip to Ikea to peruse furniture! A dinner at the Austin Grill in the heart of Old Town Alexandria! And, to top of this one of a kind experience, a concert in Vienna, Virginia featuring girl-centric music! It can all be hers, if the price is right!

[Ghost exits to dry clean sparkly shirt]

So that's been my life recently -- fulfilling this romantic prize pack to the best of my ability. The Saturday trip to Ikea was excellent -- I picked up the poor man's studio equipment (a black fleece for the backdrop and two tungsten clamp lights), and Laurie began choosing furniture so that she can toss out everything I consider masculine when we find a place together in 20XX.

Saturday night brought on the snow, so most Virginians were busy beating each other with loaves of bread at the local supermarketmart. We braved this southern blizzard (or, as Pennsylvanians call it, slush) and arrived at the restaurant to find it practically deserted (as opposed to Laurie after the meal: desserted).

So, two for two on the day, and as an added bonus Laurie talked me into buying some new shirts and sweaters, showcased in the lovely new picture of yours truly. I think the look gives me a certain Mr. Rogers-if-he-were-a-Japanese-tourist appeal.

All that was left to fulfill my V-Day promise was to drive us over to Jammin' Java, a tiny-ish coffee house to the west that gets some big names from time to time. We went to see Brandi Carlile, who is damn excellent and put on a perfect little show even if her name is missing an "s". I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I'm a fan of a headlining female performer (I call this complex Olivia Newton Johnitis, hereditary from my dad, along with Hates Crossdressaphobia and Getyourhandsoutofyoursleeves Syndrome), but I think she's worth an exception.

So, all said and done, I did a better job than past Valentine's Days (I even sent flowers), beating out the year I gave her toys from a grocery store vending machine (a story in its own right). But does this make me a romantic at heart?

I'll let history decide.

Snow at Fort Ward Park

2006-02-12T19:20:00.000-05:00

snow1.jpg
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

In a black and white kind of mood lately, and the snow just made it that much harder to resist. The much anticipated snowstorm that hit the this weekend left about a foot of clumpy, hard packed snow that melted quicker than a witch in water. In this photo I'm trying to use as small an aperture as possible to maximize the focal length and keep all of the trees in focus.

Here is another from today:

Resolution Revolution #7

2006-02-12T01:04:00.000-05:00

Date: 2/12/06
Location: My Apartment, rigged up studio
Description: With a supposed winter storm approaching and a photo assignment to take portraits on the agenda, Laurie and I made an early morning trip to Ikea to pick up the super cheap studio essentials -- a black fleece blanket and two clamp lights (very versatile little light fixtures that tighten to fit on different surfaces). I'm pretty tickled with the results, and I even have a new picture to post over the profile (I suppose my trusty old new york broken glass one is getting a bit tired). All in all, good stuff! Click below to see the rest of the set.

Wallet Poker

2006-02-09T11:03:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to find a way to describe wallet poker since the fall of 1999, when the game was discovered in the bland atmosphere of Mr. Loucks now-vacant high school homeroom. Every morning, for better or worse, I would sit idle for fifteen minutes as good ol' Harvey Loucks (as he was known to arrogant teenagers like myself) would call attendance, preside over the pledge of allegiance and then sit quietly at his desk hoping we didn't set anything on fire.

Boredom was automatic during this morning respite from the drudgery of the class, so we had to invent our own fun. Two of my peers had taken to slapping each other with the pull cords from the widnow blinds, much to Harvey's dismay. Looking back, I guess this masochistic behavior is kind of disturbing through the eyes of a high school teacher, but at the time I thought it was funny as hell. But I wasn't big on actually getting slapped, so I had to get a bit more creative in my efforts for entertainment.

My friend Jeff, the one currently exploring Japan with nothing more than a camera, a smile and a girlfriend who I'm sure knows a few more phrases in the native language than he might, sat next to me during these homeroom hijinks. I'm not sure who initiated the contest, but we began to compare the silly items that, over time, we had collected in our wallets.

Mens' wallets are magnets for odd coupons, crumpled receipts, withered pictures and the occasional "FBI - Federal Breast Inspector" cards. The inherent comedic value of each item makes it difficult to trash -- who knows when you'll want to show off the two-for-one Texas hot wieners coupon you got at the fair last year?

So Jeff and I began to compare, saving our most unique items for last. Each successful round would up the ante a bit -- no actual betting would take place, but neither wanted to suffer the shame of having a lame story. And stories are really what wallet poker is all about -- the items themselves are insignificant -- it's the stories related to the items that make them valuable. For example -- a generic library card would be pretty low on the scale, but a generic library card associated with 12 overdue books -- in your brothers name, no less -- is a veritable flush draw in the world of wallet poker.

Some exaggeration is to be expected -- all of the best stories are exaggerated. But this is wallet poker's equivalent to bluffing -- bullshit a little too much and you're bound to be called on it. So the picture you have of that girl you dated at the beach is pretty hot, right? Why can't you remember her last name? So you didn't really date her, you just got her to give you a picture? And the pictures old? And she's actually your cousin?

Well, you get the idea.

So wallet poker was born in Mr. Loucks class; a game entirely fantastic in its scope and utterly unrealistic to play in most instances. But when the serendipitous occasion arises, and you are stuck at the DMV with your cousins' brother-in-law, perhaps this is a chance to get to know him a little better. The contents of a man's life are documented in his wallet, the one place where money tells the least about a person.

Insomni-maniacal

2006-02-06T14:16:00.000-05:00

What a convoluted title! Oh well, onward and upward, said the submarine captain. I couldn't sleep last night, which is unusual for me. I blame it on one of two things -- an unnecessary daytime need for iced coffee -or- the fact that I wasn't sure whether my roommate was actually in the apartment or not. I returned home at a late hour and his bedroom door was shut, so I figured he was in there sleeping. But then I checked his away message and it said he was back home in PA. So then I laid down, prepared for the sleep fairy to carry me off to slumberville, only to hear the creeeeeeeeeeeeek of a door.

I peeked out of my bedroom door, Kravitz-style (Gladys, not Lenny). Nothing. What kind of Edgar Allen Poe bullshit is this? I closed the door, locked it, and slowly crawled back into bed.

Sleep is not difficult for me -- my family camped pretty often when I was a kid, and once you've mastered sleeping in the itchy-warm grip of a ninja turtle sleeping bag, a full-sized bed is a treat. Plus, the thermostat in the apartment works pretty well -- cool side stays cool, warm side stays warm and all that. Not like summers back home, when air conditioning was a luxury reserved for grandma's house and my brother and I would wring sweat from our pillowcases.

Jesse and I used to talk to get through those humid Pennsylvania nights -- to be honest, what else could we do? Sleeping in that weather is like trying to snorkle in a jacuzzi. Jesse would tell tales of a special pillow he saw on late night TV -- it was made of buckwheat, and stayed cool all night long.

We often fantasized about this pillow, imagining the comfort it would bring in the heat. Jesse would then up the ante, wishing for a buckwheat mattress. What can I say? We were dreamers.

But I've unfortunately never tested the amazing heat reductive qualities of buckwheat, something I'm sure cash-starved south Asian farmers curse me for to this day. Had the product lived up the claim, buckwheat might be the new cotton.

Jesse and I used to protest our sleeping conditions in the time honored tradition of complaining loudly. Our chant, "It's too hot to sleep," (what it lacks in complexity, rhythm or wit it makes up in simplicity), was yelled loud enough to annoy (but not quite loud enough to get us in trouble).

But now, stuck in my apartment with a phantom roommate, I would have killed for the old chanting days - then at least I had someone with whom I could commiserate. "I'm too scared to sleep," really doesn't flow, and would probably only alert the stranger to my exact location. My kingdom for a buckwheat bat!

I opened the door again and tip-toed into the hallway. So far, so good. I knock on Marcus' door -- no answer. Okay, just have to check the kitchen and...
Nothing. The place is empty. I must have heard a door in one of the neighboring apartments. My nerves settle a bit, so I give up the hunt.

I turn off all the lights, climb back in bed and project myself tucked into a red and green sleeping bag. It's a cool 72 degrees, and I drift off quickly.

Resolution Revolution #6

2006-02-06T00:22:00.000-05:00

Student price? I'm a pupil.
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Date: 2/5/06
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Description: I worked down at the expo center today to make a little money on the side -- lucrative as it may be, I was feeling pretty blah by the end and tried to get artsy with the tickets. My photo class instructer likes when we take macro patterns into class, but often requests that we add a subject to the scene for visual interest. His wacky suggestions is to use a glass eye to freak out the audience. I was unfortunately fresh out, so I sketched one on a sticky note and clicked away. How avant garde!

The First Kiss

2006-02-04T16:08:00.000-05:00

This was a bit inspired by the leader of the goggle gang over at the apartment site, but it's a worthy story so I'll share. I may have romanticized it a bit, but who are you, Mr. Fact Checker? Talk to me after I go on Oprah.

My first kiss was junior year, if I remember correctly. I had pined (double entendre, no?) for the same girl since 7th grade and until this point was quite unrequited. I participated in the school forensics tournament (how cool!) and placed sixth in the improv category. Rather than stay for the award ceremony, I left to meet my "sweetheart" for a halloween funhouse. We kissed in the dark of the tunnel, very short, a peck really.

We dated for two years until she broke up with me right around graduation. I went on to a college career in improv, and she got fat.

What's the lesson here? Stay for the award ceremony. Kisses ain't trophies.

Regular Exercise

2006-01-31T11:13:00.000-05:00

When I was walking around DC the other day, I hopped the extremely long Adams Morgan metro escalator. This thing is a monument to modern engineering -- you can do you taxes during the ride up and use your refund to buy a newspaper at the top. The ascent is almost divine, if your idea of heaven is a Chipotle and St. Peter sleeps on a bench under a newspaper.

As I contemplated divinity on the ride, I noticed a girl brushing past me on my left side. She was wearing sweatpants and a tank top and sweating enough to glisten in the fluorescent lights of the tunnel. I was confused -- why, if she's jogging, would she head for the metro? So I watched as she reached the bottom, only to turn around, hop on the upward escalator and do lunges up the steps.

"Genius!" I thought to myself. This way, if she gets to tired to make it up the steps, no problem! Simply stop exercising and let the stairs do all the work for you. I was really impressed by this improvisational exercise technique for reasons that elude me now.

The Poptart Man's Last Ride

2006-01-30T22:17:00.000-05:00

When I was a young kid, around the holidays, my mom would do a pretty remarkable job decorating for the holidays. This was before she was working and when the idea of sitting red, green and white doilies out was still feasible. We had a couple staple decorations -- a plaster snowman that was covered in sparkles, giving it a rough sandpaper texture; stocking hangers, two of which were bears and the other was a dragon (which led to yearly arguments between me and my brother for dragon dibs); and, as with most families, we sat out candy.

At least I think we did -- the candy was usually gone before the tree was even decorated, so memory might be failing me. I mostly remember the candy because of a not so sweet moment of indulgence I experienced.

God created both chocolate and peanut butter, but it took Reese's to one up the almighty and combine the two with a shitload of sugar and call it "the peanut butter cup." And it was good. Well, around Christmas, we had green and red foil-wrapped Reese's in the candy bowl. To say that I loved these treats is to do a disservice to my appetite.

I didn't simply eat them -- I inhaled them. I devoured them. Only by stuffing three in my mouth at a time did I even taste them, such was my disdain for moderation. It was an unhealthy obsession, but at 8 (or 9, or 17) I lacked the skills to stop myself.

But then I was confronted. Eating such a large amount of a coveted candy is bound to attract attention, especially when they provide such brightly wrapped evidence behind. Soon the candy wrappers surfaced -- rising from the couch cushions, underneath the bed, in my coat pockets. No hiding spot was spared from the guilty twinge of crumpled confections.

But the crowning moment was when I was called into the bathroom -- there, staring up at me, was a wastebasket filled with candy wrappers. No used tissue, no empty paper rolls -- just candy wrappers. A Reese's graveyard.

"Did you eat all of these?"

I did. How could I deny it? And I would have eaten more, had they been available. But the shame of my situation hit full force as I looked down at my dubious accomplishment.

Not only was the candy gone, but I was the one to blame. No matter how much of a pig anyone else had made themselves in the household that holiday, I was the worst. The pie was finished? Must have been Jake. The stuffing is all gone? Jake had at it. You see where this is going. Any food that I had an affection for (and there were few exceptions) would eventually be assigned to me.

To effectively assign guilt for these matters, my dad invented a method second only to the Salem witch trials in accuracy and sensitivity. When the cabinet was empty at breakfast time, he would ask for a count:

"How many poptarts did you eat, Jesse?"

"None."

"Sara?"

"1"

"Anne?"

"None."

"And I've had 1 as well. Well, Jake, how many did you have?"

"Umm...I guess 1."

"Okay," Dad would say. "Let's count. That makes 3 poptarts eaten, and 6 come in a box. So I suppose the other three were eaten by some invisible stranger? So phantom man who enjoys rectangular breakfast pastries. A poptart man, if you will."

And so it began. Everytime a food supply came up short, the sarcastic anthem would be heard: "It must have been the poptart man! What won't he eat, that scoundrel!"

But the injustice of it! I was obviously the poptart man; it was title I could not divorce myself from. Like a blazing letter "A" the scarlet tint of a strawberry poptart stained my reputation.

Eventually, as these things happen, my sensitivity to the issue lessened and the joke became universal. The "poptart man" label at some point became a invisible persona within the house, like the ghostly "Not Me" imp of a godawful Family Circus comic. I have lessened my addiction to sweets, especially poptarts, and live a happy existence free of that poptart personification.

But yesterday I opened a care package from my grandma, completely unexpected and wholeheartedly accepted. Within its contents: a daily bread calendar, some hamburger helper, a note about grandpa putting together jigsaw puzzles and, to my horror, strawberry milkshake poptarts. Almost immediately I tore into them -- I tend to put off grocery shopping and since poptarts have a prep time of .02 seconds, I could hardly resist.

Now, a short while later, the box is empty because I am a weak man and far too lazy to make breakfast in the morning. But the best part, the part sweeter than the gooey strawberry filling -- when the empty box hits the garbage can tonight, there will be no counting.

The poptart man has struck again, and for the last time.

Resolution Revolution #5

2006-01-28T19:12:00.000-05:00

Marilyn Attacks!
Originally uploaded by Speedy Delivery.

Date: 1/28/06
Location: Around Adams Morgan, DC
Description: I friggin walked for miles around the National Zoo and Adams Morgan looking for a good picture -- note to self, zoos are not good for pictures, just good for frustration. Anyway, I eventually collapsed on the ground from exhaustion, and when I looked up BAM Marilyn Monroe. Now I know what Joe DiMaggio felt like. Or Arthur Miller. Whatever. JOKE OVER.